July 14, 2012

You may say I'm a dreamer...

...but I'm not the only one.

My love is... who he is. Yeah? He's his own person and I respect that. I love him. But what if that love isn't right? It's what my emotions tell me but not what I myself need.

He is loving, kind, cuddly, and wonderful.
He is clingy, dependent, angry, and spiteful.

He's who I love but who I hate as well. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him. I feel like he's holding me from who I should be, holding me from what I can do to make myself happy.

But his religion makes him have one love/mate for life. It scares me that because he loves me, and I know he does, that he won't move on. A couple years before he met me, he had... been obsessed with a girl. A very pretty, older girl. She had told the counselors at school and he had to go to a psychiatrist. I'm also a little afraid of that- what if he becomes obsessed?

But I love him. The good times are becoming less frequent but when they happen it's like magic. Laying in the grass telling stories and throwing clumps of grass at each other, kissing when no one's watching.

He doesn't know me though. When I'm in some sort of mood, he thinks it's either tired or spacey. He believes I'm the epitome of perfection and that he's just a doormat. He's scared of leaving me and I him, but I think...

I think I need to do what's best for myself for once. It's scary and I don't want to do it but... when he's for sure going into the airforce I'll do it. Once he's signed up.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

I'm so afraid.

But I have hope for my future. He needs to figure things out and I need to grow up.

A year of being together? Seems like an eternity. But our separation is for the best... isn't it?

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